TERPSICHORE
by Ashura
DEDICATION: for R-chan, hope you feel better soon!
WARNINGS: shoujo ai (R+D), shounen ai (1+2), mild
angst (R+1)
AUTHOR'S
NOTES: Just a little thing that had
been growing in my head for a while, figured it was time to write it. One stylistic note: the lower-case 'i' is intentional; don't get
after me for grammar!
**********
"Will you
help me get ready?" she asks me.
She's glowing, and i know it's because she's going to see him again,
even though she tries to hide it. Or
maybe she's given up hiding things from me.
Her trust is some small victory, at least. I force a smile.
"Of
course, Miss Relena. Don't I
always?"
She beams at
me, radiant, and throws her arms around my neck--i stop breathing, wishing with
all my being i could halt time, freeze this instant forever. "Yes, you do. Thank you, Dorothy. I
don't know what I'd do without you."
//It's because i love you.// I disengage her arms before i melt, before
my heart breaks or i lose my feeble grip on my will and break down in front of
her. "You're welcome, Miss
Relena." I am stiff when i pull
away--i turn my back on her, even if it's only to choose a silvery gown from
the closet before i hold it out to
her. "What about this one?"
She
shrugs. She will submit to my judgement,
the way she always does. For such a
strong woman, she's a hopelessly naïve one.
My Relena doesn't play games like most women do--like i do. I was taught them from birth, i suckled
feminine wiles from my mother's teat, imbued with the milk of seduction and
petty play. It does me no good
here. Not with her.
"If you
like it, Dorothy," she says.
"It brings
out your eyes," I tell her as she strips off her skirt and blouse, and i
try to look at her without looking--i want to see her but i don't, i torture
myself this way every time until she steps into the gown and turns for me to
fasten up the back.
I make her beautiful. I do it
selfishly, because i like to see her so; because i will spend the rest of my
night watching her. I was right about
the gown, the way it hugs her body and lends her curves she has yet to possess,
the way the skirt rustles and shimmers like moonbeams when she moves. I am the one who fastens the diamonds around
her neck, who highlights the smooth skin of her face with powder and rouge and
a touch of glitter under her sky-blue eyes.
And i'm the one who curls her hair, who gathers it atop her head and
catches it with silver pins--it's my artistry that leaves a single ringlet
spiraling to her shoulders at each ear, and my trembling fingers that smooth
her glossy lips with colour.
But i'm not the
one she smiles for.
I wish she'd
give up. Or else i wish he would. She still doesn't realise it's obligation
that brings him to her, that it's only a promise that makes him dance with
her. I don't know if she notices how
stiff he stands while she spins across the floor like a cascade of
flowers...maybe she thinks it's just the way he is, that it's a residue of his
training that he still refuses to let his emotions through. And maybe she does see how he never quite
looks at her, how every moment with her in his arms his eyes are searching the
crowd--maybe she thinks that's because he's a soldier too, that he's trying to
protect her.
And he is. He doesn't want to hurt her. I know she doesn't see how his eyes soften
when the pilot with the long hair enters the room, or notice the tender glances
they exchange through her, as if she isn't there. She still thinks he's the one she needs to make her happy.
But i'm the one
who picks her up each time he leaves.
And i'm the one who listens to her girlish fantasies and her high
ideals, who plays the devil's advocate to hone her mind, who sells my dirty
soul in quiet work and manipulation so that she need never be so soiled. I've always tried to do the best for her,
even when she didn't know it. For love
of her, i became her enemy. What
devotion could be stronger than that?
"Heero
promised he'd be here tonight," she says breathlessly as she tugs on her
stockings, trying not to put a run in them before she even finds her
shoes. "I suggested he invite Duo
along as well--the two of you would make a lovely couple, you know."
I hope my smile
is not too bitter. "I don't think
Duo is interested in me, Miss Relena.
And he's not quite my type either, though I admit he has beautiful
hair." I know very well that he
isn't bringing Duo along for my sake.
She looks
disappointed. "I wish you'd find
someone, Dorothy. I want to see you
happy."
"Like
you?" i ask--it slips out before i can halt the words, and immediately i
regret it, driven to remorse by the stricken widening of her eyes.
"I am
happy," she protests--but she knows it isn't true, and she wilts on the
edge of her bed, the silver petals of her skirt spread around her, her hands limp
in her lap.
"I suppose
you're right," she whispers
"But it's all right. Heero
gives me what he's willing to, and I provide the illusion of everything else. I have dances across the ballroom floor, and
dreams alone in my bed at night. I will
not ask for any more."
I slip my own
burgundy gown over my head and let the folds fall to my feet. "Is that enough for you?"
I can tell from
her face that she's asked herself the same question before tonight. I see in her eyes how she struggles with the
answer. "For now."
I don't answer,
because i don't want to give myself away...not knowing that she wouldn't take
me.
She helps me
braid my hair and pin it up, and my body thrills to the stroke of her fingers
through it. I try to make myself as
beautiful as her, on the chance that she might notice, but even when she does,
it's not the way i want her to. She
descends the staircase to the ballroom like a princess in a fairy tale, and i
follow in the shadowfall of her passing.
Heero is there,
just as he promised to be, and he bows stiffly before she can throw herself
into his arms and whirl him away. I
dance with Duo, because she asked me to, and because i can tell, the way the
pair of us manage to always stay so close to them, that i don't have to pretend
to him. He knows. We can't quite tear our eyes away at his
lover in the arms of my one love, and when i look too heartbroken he coaxes my
head onto his chest so no-one else can see.
But he can drink in the promises of Heero's eyes, and i have no such prize
from my princess.
"I wonder
how long we'll all go on like this," he whispers into my hair.
I know the
answer. "As long as they ask us
too." Because Duo loves him as
much as i love her. Because he can't
hurt her. Because we're all caught,
every one of us, in an intricate web of our own creation--linked, inexorably,
by a love we'd give up anything for...fade to nothing for.
Duo's arms
tighten around me. He brushes a soft
kiss across my hair, and i pretend it's from her.
The gala passes
in a blur, and ends in a slow trickle of guests out the door. I'm bidding them all farewell; old
dignitaries and younger ambitious nobles.
I see Heero and Duo clasp hands almost as they disappear into the
night. My heart hurts.
"Did you
have a good time, Dorothy?"
She's
radiant. This time i don't have to
force my smile. "Of course, Miss
Relena. And you looked glorious."
She
blushes. "I'm sure you're the only
one who thinks so."
I have to
laugh--who could fail to see the way she shines through her own body as if mere
mortal flesh is inadequate to contain her brilliance? "And i am sure i'm not."
She twirls
giddily in her gown like a little girl.
"I'm going to bed...I want to relive this night again before I fall
asleep." She stops mid-spin,
catching my hands and clasping them to her chest. "Do you ever do the same, Dorothy? Fall asleep to fantasies of love?"
And i can only
smile, because i love her so much, all the poetic phrases i use to describe her
in my mind pale utterly when faced with her.
It takes so long to find my tongue that i know my secret is safe. "Of course i do." I wish i could tell her. I wish i could kiss her.
But all i
really do is watch her as she disappears.
~Owari~